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Exploring Your True Sexual Self

Ruth Ramsay is a sex and erotic empowerment coach, former award-winning striptease artist, and Wylde lube fan! Here she shares a coaching exercise you can try at home to reveal your deep erotic needs. 

I love sex – how it feels, looks, sounds, smells and tastes. I don’t like the latter two elements being dictated by my lube brand – I don’t want artificial-vanilla flavoured sex, or the bedroom to smell like a mint bush. So I was delighted to try Wylde One and find mine and my partner’s own scents and flavours remained the dominant ones.

I’ve also never liked feeling dictated to by the media, culture, family or my peer group, about how I ‘should’ be sexually, or what a good erotic encounter ‘should’ be like. We are all subject to such influences, some blatant and others more subliminal. What clothes, makeup, fragrance are sexy; what body shape; what sexual positions and moves. We can lose our sense of what is truly erotic to us, to fit in with the prescribed sexual scripts and fashions. 

It’s easy to think of women first in this, but it applies to both traditional sexes, and leaves little room at all (in the mainstream) for alternative genders. Some would say the ‘male’ roles set out as acceptable are even more restrictive than those for women: hyper-sexual, visually driven, wanting long legs and big breasts, desiring youth, and driven to achieve penis-in-vagina sex. At least the mainstream does show a little more variety for women.

It’s not unusual for me to find a new client has never thought very far outside these prescribed roles. But the first steps to doing so, through uncovering your deep erotic self, are easier than you may imagine.

The answers lie within you, through analysing the best of your erotic experiences. These are not necessarily direct sexual encounters, so if you’ve not had much experience or variety in your sex life don’t worry! Intensely-experienced fantasies and dreams also count.

The idea is that analysing these ‘peak erotic experiences’ (as the founder of this idea, Jack Morin, calls them in his book ‘The Erotic Mind’) reveal what really turns you on, and what you need in order to have similarly intense erotic moments. So, grab a pen and paper and give yourself an undisturbed half hour. 

Write down the three most intensely erotic moments of your life so far. As I’ve said, these may not involve an actual sex act, or another person. Think not just of the moment itself but of what was happening beforehand and afterwards. What was your life situation? What had happened that day? If another person (or persons) is involved, what was your relationship to them and relationship history with them? Did anything make this encounter unusual? What were your expectations for it? What was the time of day? Was it planned or spontaneous? Think as widely as possible and write down everything you can remember about that time. 

Then imagine you’re a detective seeking to find out this person’s erotic personality from these three encounters. What are the themes and similarities across the encounters? For example is there a theme of being made to wait? Of being surprised? Of triumph in the rest of your life (for example after securing a new job, moving into a new house, completing a sporting event)? Of power-play?

This exercise can be hugely illuminating (and a great turn-on in itself). Be open to lightbulb moments! This is a great one to do with a partner too. If you’re worried about judgement or causing pain if your three chosen encounters are not with them, you could agree to choosing two encounters that happened together and two from before you met.

Once you have your themes, think of ways you can bring these elements into your future erotic encounters. What has this taught you about what you need for mind-blowing sex? See what can be consciously brought in, at least some of the time. For me, triumph in the rest of my life is one of my themes – I can’t always bring that it by choice, but I do now know that if I’ve had even a small triumph, to make sure to make time for sex soon after.

Discovering who you truly are sexually can be a transformative journey that has an impact way beyond the bedroom. We are all unique and delicious – celebrate that, don’t hide it!

Find out more about Ruth and the coaching programmes, one-off sessions and striptease lessons she offers, at www.ruthramsay.com and on Instagram at @ruthramsay_

You can also get her FREE guide, ‘Eight Ways To Boost Your Sexual Happiness Without Losing Weight, Buying Expensive Lingerie Or Changing Your Relationship Status’ here.