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Cashing in the V-Card: Should we be holding onto it longer or experiencing sex as much as possible?

As part of our commitment to giving a platform to a diversity of women’s voices and experience, here’s a personal opinion piece by ‘The Ex-Virgin’.

I held on to my Virginity for 22 years. My mother always taught me to keep my legs closed, that men only ever wanted sex and that’s it. Whilst I certainly witnessed this in my family growing up, I did often wonder if there were any good men out there? I knew there had to be, because all of my brothers were good men. It kind of helped to instil a little faith in me, even if my mother’s mindset had a long term impact on me. However, I am very grateful that I did apply that mindset, because I lost my virginity to my partner who I am still with, and I have absolutely no regrets about waiting that long.

I felt on the fence about being a virgin. I knew young mothers who felt that by me being a virgin they had more life experience than me, yet they would always come to me if a problem arose. I would sit and listen to my friends have conversations about sex and whilst I had an idea of what they were talking about, I was totally alien to it. There was a time when I got asked if I was a virgin by someone I knew, and I lied. I told them I wasn’t, because I knew from that, backlash would occur and it felt like my personal boundaries were really being tested by asking that. It also felt disrespectful.  Besides, it was my business. However, it did open my eyes to the presumption that being a virgin still meant you were a freak, or uptight and even clueless. I want to break that taboo right down because there is absolutely nothing wrong with virginity and I’m standing in the corner for it! If anything, I think we have lost the feeling of making love to the temporary thrills sex can give us.  I think we need to be telling young women to have no shame to hold onto their virginity for as long as they feel necessary.

The peer pressure of sex has been around for a very, very long time. It’s no stranger to our world and no matter how much we bash it into our heads or the heads of others that saying NO is PERFECTLY FINE, when some of us are put in that position, we feel like we have to agree to make the other person happy. Almost as though their happiness lies in our hands, and the truth is, it doesn’t. Because where is YOUR happiness in that scenario? It’s a selfish situation, not a mutually agreed one. I felt myself being pushed into corners a few times but each time I said no. I said no because the foundation wasn’t there, there was no understanding. Above all, it felt awkward to talk about it. In my head I just knew, somewhere inside of me, it wouldn’t feel awkward to talk about sex with the person who truly respected me. And I was right about that, because sex and making love are really two different things. In order to make love, surely you need to be able to:

 1) Have love and,

 2) Know how that love should feel physically, and be comfortable talking about that?

3) Recognise that when love making is achieved, you can still have that wild, crazy sex with the person you equally love to bits and trust with your life. It IS possible.

I made my boyfriend wait for six months before we finally did it. Six months of him not even sharing a bed with me when he stayed over (parents house, respecting their rules). He didn’t complain once, despite his feelings of loneliness, and also my own feelings of wanting him close. Sure we’d stay up and have some fun, but never sex. My boundaries were always met with respect, there was never any pressure. He knew I was a virgin, he knew I had other reservations about sex and he was totally fine with it. He’s a cuddly person anyway, so as long as I am near him, he is happy.

However one night, it wasn’t enough. 

I wanted him. I wanted him so badly. And around 2.30am one night in February, I lost my virginity, and it felt absolutely incredible. It felt more amazing than I thought it would, and I do believe a huge part of that is because I held onto it for such a long time. It became precious to me too. I understood giving the gift of your body and soul to another person as precious, but I felt like it was a truly beautiful exchange of love. And because that love was there already in place, I was completely comfortable about it. I didn’t tense up, I wasn’t nervous, I felt liberated and free. Totally free to explore myself and the man I loved. 

I look back on that night with such fondness because it did feel like a fairy tale moment for me. I completely respect and understand that might not appeal to some women and you know what? That’s completely fine too. It takes all sorts to make the world go round. 

But when it comes to flying the flag for virginity, I’ll be there in full support. I’ve learnt that being a virgin did not take away my curiosity, because I always knew I had this desire to be daring in the bedroom, I just hadn’t found the right person to do all of that with. I knew I enjoyed wearing sexy lingerie, because it made me feel good. Wearing that now for my man only makes me feel even sexier, because I can share that enjoyment with him. With all relationships, communication truly is key and if your worry is that being with one person for potentially the rest of your life will get boring, then you need to talk about it. Allow yourselves to discover one another, try new positions, wear different things… Add that spice to the bedroom. 

I truly feel that waiting for the right person paid off, and I could not be more satisfied!

Team Virgin for me all the way!